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Thursday, August 3, 2017

Deep Dark Lamentations ~ Excerpt ~ I Am Program

I've only hurt the ones I really loved, because you can't hurt the ones you don't care about,
and that don't care about you.

I also forgive one day when I move forward,
learn how to and I am so very imperfect In this very imperfect world,
feeling like a geometric shape that doesn't have a place to fit anywhere.

Even when I am in a group of misfits,
I cannot be that one more,
I cannot morph into that one more,
misfit to fit in.

I am meant for long dark lonely lamentations,
but at least here at this quiet peaceful place I am not consistently kicked down, by just the natural dynacysm of everyday life.

For a time,
I had never felt so revved up since my twenties,
and now nearing fifty,
I am feeling as though I have never felt so revved down,
I'm not depressed but I'm going to be,
And i am just physically ill,
and have been for a very, very long time,
and it beats the spirits down,
to even one that is strong,
has weak points or downturns,
until new plateaus, even lower than before,
get held for periods of time,
on that certain way down,
these plateaus are found.

In youth,
we soared upwards,
So aging and older now,
the idea is to gracefully glide downward, into  a steady and peaceful landing,
as long and as far as we can all fly away,  together from this point right now,
right here !
Always stronger together.

I'm holding on,
it's all I can do,
I'm holding on,
I'm looking for each of you,
I'm holding on,
and everything that I do,
so many projects,
of course I'm never going to finish,
highly over committed,
but I never quit,
and if I never quit,
perhaps that one that lurks in the dark shadows cannot steal me too quick away,
like so many of my friends rapidly increasing his kill count,
too.

We continue to kind of all calmly run like hell,
this Grim Reaper bitch always on his and her way,
all just going about life as if $$$ matters in denial,
time wasted not helping others,
the great leveling of all,
most definitely on its way,
in the end,
as in the beginning,
all again equal,
as in birth as in death,
the cycle complete starts over,
time in the mind's eye,
unable to fathom the time to make a diamond,
one day all perfected,
impervious and clear,
strong and with purpose,
stunning and respected,
we will all become diamond like perfected,
with wings upon beams of light upon which to fly.

I cannot go out and to enjoy the sunshine, and I could not less than three hours little drive take,
much less walk up 13 steps when I am of my own chemical makeup can I even make,
and most often I am hiding in my bed because it's there where I think rest and heal,
once upon a while,
occasionally but not regularly like the rest of you,
I might even consume and have half a meal,
my dog the other she is happier and healthier when we share and commune,
As i try my best to recuperate,
and with this Earth's flow cooperate,
as I'm a fighter,
and I fight, fight, fight,
and with passion for others,
and love that is deep and how much I care about so many beautiful things that is this life of course worried on top of it all I am to trying my best to fit in a little bit of love shared for each of you,
but all too often now,
I am only seen in person really a miserable wreck,
and that is not the person I want you to remember,
so please,
if I have not been at my best,
If I've acted out,
I've been an ass I must confess,
Please forgive and forget,
I'll make my misgivings up to you each,
most certainly,
it's nothing personal,
I'm fighting for my life,
an actor putting on his faces,
happy each morning the eyes awake,
and the conscience comes into focus with I,
again another day,
it is these our dreams we together chase.

There are many mornings like this, wher all I do is think,
and pray about places like Hyndman, Pa,
my birth state,
and what happened yesterday,
and I think of all of my friends that reach out to me,
be it reaching for me to give them a hand up,
while I am reaching for another woman or man on my other side looking for my own hand up,
together we have all fallen down and now must all stand up
of course is difficult when there is nothing but chaos all around,
it was promised that there would be days like these,
and you cannot run and you cannot hide because they will continue and they will come at you faster and faster and in rapid succession,
like it's 3:58 a.m. right now,
and I heard a lawnmower running outside !!!

I'm not kidding,
but sleep, it tonight as this morning,
is not for me,
and ahead good things for me do wait,
While heavy upon my shoulders to others problems and just my entire life, weigh,

Blessed am I that I walk each day,
appearances I must continue to make, like my father before me I will not give up however it is my own dearest of plans that I cannot keep with him that I've often made,
as time not in our favor,
more and more rapidly further ticks away,
as I continually stumble and get up,
and stumble and get up,
and stumble and get up,
and I am tired of these lessons my Lord, please give me a break !!!
but just for one day I pray.

You know it's always said we should be careful for what it is that we ask.

I am tired and I am frustrated and the doctors doing their best,
they are giving me a chemical ride,
and they told me it would not be easy,
indeed it would be often rough,
but we're trying to flush the invaders out, get out these nasty cells corrupt,
and heal.
So I pretend as I go about my life,
I love in denial,
thinking that way and this while I stretch my weary mind,
like an old computer taking too long to wake up,
I am becoming that next one that won't be able to ever again,
and one last day everybody will think about me before I am placed away back inside of Mother Earth,
sound and safe.
I do not want a box,
or any of that b******* along with a grave, I just want my body donated to the FBI farm,
studied by science while in Tennessee,
what can I give back and so offer,
one last act of some type of significance ?,
of which,
I can always be wondering and at least in my human life remain forever about this ending ignorant,
and of course this makes me cry
and cry, and cry, and cry,
but these chemicals must be flushed out,
you know that when these things happen,
there is a smile upon my face,
as flashes of each one of your faces appears smiling back in rapid succession before me,
I've seen God's face,
I'm cheating the reaper a while longer,
I'm running thus far a brilliant race,
matters not if in this end here he catches me,
as he does so my soul escapes,
where he is forever trapped the master of this realm we call reality,
he will away erase us each all so never good enough for Satan,
after all really,
who can be good enough for him?

What words would you yourself use to describe it to others ?,
to read a millineum or more years from now?,
how you describe what you are certain is life,
and what do you hold as highest ?,
above all other in your life,
this one here that will not fail you ever,
this one mankind honors over and over,
different clothing, colors, languages, prayers, saviors, saints,
ad infinitum,
but if your life were you depend upon it,
in a thousand words or less,
describe precisely to me today your certainties​ which all you hold as true but 100% intangible,
of nothing real to offer to place in my hand what so ever,
however with nothing in reality a faith to go forward with,
And bor a forever promise of live in my heart, and life here after garaynteed in a world where other this garaynteed certainly have disappointed,
how would you know if you were wrong?,
what's the price truth be told that's is all reality Iver and over again in so many religions,
we all change,
dynamics,
nothing forever this way come identical again,
but constant and the answer to that which in science of the most learned cannot be quantified,
no doubt is,
He,
the Beginning and the Ending,
the Alpha and the Omega,
each a part of all which He made,
physical and intangible,
all that is and is not,
!

Are we and all our surround not all pure and perfect Mathematics ?

Everybody out there,
In health has been or will be,
where I have been,
or I am going to be,
if you live on the Earth long enough,
illness has been my Lot,
just let me tell you,
I promise you,
you can be reborn ,
if you do not ever give up,
and so do not put into your body things that are so corrupt,
and do not associate with people that are so corrupt,
and understand that there are many beautiful religions to choose from,
and it is these positive principles that we should live by,
that we will not become corrupt,
and it is our way of life that we share with others and by way of setting example,
we should show others that this is how to at least not be corrupt,
for perfect examples human being are  in able to be,
but properly directed,
and through hope,
soon that indeed my own cup again may selfishly runneth over,
if which I promise to diligently a good steward both capture and share as I appreciate these blessings to share,
and soon I will share more than just bread,
with thee, and the, and thee.

In my Human Experience,
personally I have a great debt to offer back,
and although I do not know how that ever will be something of a financial reality,
I continue to pray,
that through acts of faith at least, somehow,
that "stuff" will become a part of me and my story,
all by goes repaid and absorbed into the past  fabric of space time  soon lessons not forgotten  but not stressed upon or hurting another most importantly,
too much poor business with a friend, almost always a promise I'll tell you through myself witness I indeed testify, turns foe,

So for $$$,
they beat a man down and make him feel as there is no wherever safe to go.
Trying to make up for lost time,
I have no time for grammar here upon your eyes,
or in the life where we all take strides,
and only in one direction can we now go,
at least in a physical linear sense of reality,
until it is time for the ultimate good riddance,
and when we are so humbled,
which way then shall we go ?,
because there will be another linear plane perpendicular to the one we are upon now,
and then the choices are not yours but indeed about you,
no freedom for your soul from your vessel you depart,
at the speed of light bow faster,
no anchor,
through the black hole of this galaxy,
your destiny unfolding at this juxtapostion in life,
once, these frozen moments indelible near death,
I thought right there I sat so many times,
just before the launching of matter from that black hole,
all matter recycled,
a nuclear furnace​ recycling galaxy,
So now in an instant your spirit so free,
you burn in hell upon orangy lakes of fire or you are slingshotted through The Ether and into the heavens,
as you gather with your Forever beloved friends and more importantly always honoring that ultimate spirit and practicing this principle today,
that's how you build faith,
and that's why the way alongside asking, that anyone upon the doors to Heaven,
will ever be let in.

It matters not what you have with you when you get to the Pearly Gates but what you had done on your way.

I want to stay up on this X and Y when you're playing,
as Pythagoras would have called it,
and not be lifted up or offered below,
for as long as I can make my body go and go,
and the principles I am practicing to the best of my ability,
and forgiveness I seek as I offer myself upwards toward your deeds.

I feel sometimes as though in my defense,
at glass houses I have been lobbing entire boulders,
not just casting stones,
I feel that I have been under assault,
and I strike back to protect all that I know, love, and share with others, and call home.

These are my rants,
in the morning with God as I listen to my fan calming soothing background noise,
and I speak to him out loud,
exercising my healing voice which soon will again like a bird so easily sing,
because I love this life and want to celebrate with all the gifts so offered me.

Once I did so easily celebrate with these gifts in youth,
however i did so without respect in this fun and event filled time of Iver rrevelry and personal abuses,
nearly ruined,

I believed in healing and rising above,

...and now i hope and pray,
that I will continue upon that way,
which of course shall set us all free. Shared destines are certainly up ahead, forward the voyage is personal,
and individual upon the way.

There is a work truck this early morning, up and down Waverly Terrace,
this truck that sounds like a lawn mower when it goes quickly down my street backwards in Reverse until it gets to the stop sign,
and then on their way to work,
almost like clockwork,
not perfect and regular,
but often enough and random and inconsistent,
like a dozen times you can count on in a month,
so no need to walk and peer out the window,
because I listen to all that is around me always.

As my mind continues to play several symphonies at once,
two hemispheres constantly communicating,
all systems sensing input and adjustments  being made on the fly,
and now my medicine finally taking effect,
I feel a general at ease and I am falling back into that groove that everybody knows as me,
and at least for now for 48 hours I shall be well upon my way,
and it is very odd but this is indeed my new pace.

It seems that for 24 hours I am on,
and I can run my race,
and then for 24 hours it's down time and refuel,
and then get ready again.
We are all distance runners,
once you are 50 or close,
because upon half a century and more of life you want,
because with a lust and zeal for life alongside respect for it as well,
you do feel and believe your cup runneth' over,
and sublimely nearing Nirvana,
gain perfect clarity.

Excerpt ~ I Am Program