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Thursday, June 11, 2015

Letting Go ~ Another Melancholy Tale of Misery ~ Ephesians 2

Exceedingly more, I truly feel as though I am a worthless and utter failure and have absolutely nothing to offer another anymore. Today is one of those many days... and I sit and I think and I seek an answer while I feel as though... what is the use to look forward and work towards any future at all that seems to be less and less the promising of an anything at all worthwhile?, I really do not think so...just the unraveling reality I continue to observe from within this body that my soul inhabits...and so I read this over and over again (Ephesians 2) and I ask only unto thyself, where is it that I fall within these words and why do I exceeding have to suffer so as the weaker I am becoming with the passing of every moment no longer sweet.

I am spent and hurt and out of life for this day to modern and have all too often, for well over a year now, felt as though humanity is further unraveling... and what is my own significance within it?... and why shall I even any longer participate when a permanent silence seems to have so much more to offer?

I am alone.. all too often alone... even when I am with others, struck down all too often even more so when I am at my best, and just feel this is a world in which I was not for made.

What little passion I have left is waning fast and what little love I have left to offer seems less and less of any value, and what ambition I once held in a firm grasp seems to further elusively slip away as tighter I grip the nothingness, and those I love I just further hurt as I take another step further away in my slow and dark and very depressing escape towards futility.

I only hold on with Faith and for those more and more rare times of exceeding love that surrounds me less and less often...but, oh those moments so sweet I do cherish and will carry with me when I shed this disgusting shell that betrays me more and more everyday... until I am only left a memory racing across galactic time and space at the speed of light.

I am tired of tests and being tested. I am tired of "building character" through tough times only to have it more deeply questioned. I am tired of all for which once I held the greatest of passion. I am so very tired of being mis-understood.

I feel I am slipping further into the ether where upon a mountain I look down and watch the destruction below we collectively call humanity and only wish further and higher I could soar and depart this place so ill unto the heavens that indeed surround. Heave is most certainly not a place of men, and for that I have only to look forward and release this grasp so firm slowly now... the process of letting go has indeed begun.

I am running out of tears and I really no longer too much have feeling, for this world which is run by beast for man.... and so that is how it is as the melancholy washes over me, as it is a river swift, ripping me further with its current, where so I am now trapped.

I reach for help only to those who scoff, just as others in kind must be reaching towards me, naive, our lost humanity... and once we were all so truly very awesome, now so aimlessly adrift, all I have left is to pray, all I have left is to pray, all I have left is to pray, as my lips are forever sealed and under it all I have finally become submerged...and in that last act let go my very breath... finally free.

Ephesians 2

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, 2 in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. 3 All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh[a] and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5 made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. 6 And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7 in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast. 10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.