A Note To My Longest Known Friend I Abandoned Selfishly Decades Ago

Julie,

Unsure why I became less close... but between being molested (?-12) and turning to alcoholism strongly as a fun social crutch & a coping mechanism, and having to testify against a murderer...well... I shut everything and everyone down and out and became a superficial fool on my journey for decades... Lost

I've owed you a long over due apology for abandoning my best buddy but I guess I've been unsure about the "why" aspect of that until this post death # 1 thought I felt compelled to share.

I'm simply sorry for not being the friend you were to me... we once were for another.

Fukk... life is so weird and wild and wonderful and wicked too... MOSTLY MERRILY WONDERFUL !!!

Like looking back at memories you can view again that make today finally start to make a but more sense... At long last.

God... One day we just need to sit with your husband and all laugh and talk.

I need beautiful people to restore need and I've been shredded inside and out a good long while now. I'm finally had enough of me, and left me behind and found myself. I like myself, I didn't much care for me.

I'm drowning in tears if epiphany again, good tears friend ;)

Toast and a ciggy, on a porch in a tee-pee ! We were surely once crazy ;) & wtf about a Xmas tree ???

Shhhhhhhh

I'm so thankful God has spared me ;)

I'm so very proud of your Carolina Tiger Paws and your drive to enjoy life through triumph over tragedy.

I bet we have a little wisdom we didn't understand as kiddos.

Did you see that "thing" streak down the length of Morey Lane ??? We sat on a green grassy field, surrounded by scientists and military leaders and modern families, a stone's throw from the Fort Belvoir Proving Grounds.

...and so much more, and more.

What a childhood we shared... forever !

Hugs

Death On August 12, 2018 ~ Pacemaker / Defribrillator Implanted August 15, 2018

Takosubto Syndrome Death August 12, 2018.

CPR & Defribrillator & Revival overall fails.

I lay dead on the emergency room bed.

I choose life (very consciously) and begin to speak after death...to the witnesses shock and amazement. As I was dead and I believe only two people were left in my room (emergency room ?).

Who wouldn't be a bit traumatized ???

20 + years of terror is kind of just calming down with this pacemaker. I have felt for decades like a tuning fork that was slammed against a concrete floor at a million miles per hour. I'm finally starting to be the me I remember and hoped some of my newer friends would finally get to meet. I don't know how anybody has tolerated me for the last decade. I'm far more than any handful. Now it's time to make up for lost time and I'm just very thankful that I am accepting of this pacemaker which for most people in my pacemaker support group, well even if they've had it a few years there mostly still freaked out. maybe the first coherence thing I said to anybody at the hospital was telling the doctor, I told you I needed a pacemaker and of course this was one of my cardiologists. That's when I woke up with all kinds of wonderful instruments hooked up to myself and well I knew I wasn't getting out of bed anytime soon when they told me just go ahead and pee LOL and then I said well I didn't look at my chest did you have to crack me open or not? I felt CPR and I just didn't want to look anymore so I knew at least well CPR and thank God only that but it was really not only that it was far more than that...

You can't even begin to understand the trauma I have experienced and that I'm just going to let it fade away like all the other tragedy in my life... I've watched tragedy like this kill many others and I'm still choosing life, like always... I choose to not stay centered in the tragedy and let it follow me but let it stay in the past just like when I was molested or just like when I saw a plane crash for my first memory or just like well whatever... that's life !!!

Here's what I can tell you...

What they say about Faith of just a mustard seed is no joke... but I tell now... please have much greater Faith than that little mere teeny tiny miniscule amount... don't be scared to have all of the Faith in the world within you so that you know that you can stand up and rise to life again through His Spirit !

I did !!!

I rose (started first speaking... I knew I would shock anyone listening (I think only two people still in the room and I think I was shocked three times (defribrillated) but I'm not sure since I was technically dead !!!) from death and witnessed it !

I had a choice and chose to come back after the fight I lost (CPR) and breaking my neck down the steps !!! .. all for love I can only dream about, and that perfect plutonic love I've only ever known once, pure as my Mother's love,... well, it saved me.

I was allowed to step back in town this body or choose to depart, and I only knew greatness was ahead either way, but here on Earth, I'd suffer even more but not in a way i once did either...as now I know of it's complete unimportance in fact as far as controlling me. I fear no death, no satan God and I outrun, nothing!

I'm free more than any man on the face of this earth today !

Smashing satan, Know Who I Am

What would happen if we were all really all feeling love at exactly the same time ?

Shame we must still imagine what should be reality.

Today, I smash satan even more in & under His name... contained.

Today, we place satan away and fear not anything ahead.

Fear is a tool of the weak to control the weakest. In knowledge of this fact, fear / satan is banished.

In God, The Word, The Life, The Gift, and call Him as you do, for no Earthly name can ever be perfectly correct or anyone ever know His other worldly non-Earthly name.

The Spirit, One,  Father & Son, Holy Ghost, what language and name have you now? ...and to fight over the Almighty's name & message ? Who are you ?

Watch how and where you conduct business in or near thy Father's home !

Space & Reality

SPACE... exactly what you think and make it into !!! Pretty amazing stuff !!! From nothing-ness, everything-ness. What's there is what you observe. Everything is oscillating in and out of existence, like thoughts... off and on. Physical reality, purely illusory, but agreed upon to be called reality we think we know. Give me a piece of our shared past we agree upon.

Yet I was dead and chose to reawaken, and so I did.

Soon, you shall see !

Takosubto Syndrome ~ The Exposed Emotional Component

I suspect Takotsubo Syndrome to be on the rise because of the proliferation and emotional leverage of social media precisely, primarily.

We are living life had a hundred years to one compared to what we used to short time ago and our bodies are emotionally ill equipped for this. just look at the Advent of modern Computing and then the most recent Advent of social media and it's exponential almost instant growth. Looking backwards it will be abundantly clear but I'm telling everybody today what is fact.

To study something ahead of time you are seeking the precursors while you're living through what you studied before it happened and now while it's happening you start to compile those precursors like symptoms and the realization start to strike you hard.

The human emotional being with the hormones and other chemical baths that wash over us depending on the demand, is not equipped for what it is living through today and it is a reality that is completely self-imposed of course.

Evolution truly is the survival of the fittest and we know not who is fittest until that time of change comes in the great meeting out again and indeed we are in that process always.

The temporary journey is interesting and the cycle is real and perpetual until you become an evolved being.

if you don't understand a thing here and, hang in there... I promise in time you will.

Beaten By An Algorithm ~ I Am Program

Beaten by an algorithm.

I'm not a number, I am a Freeman !

~ I Am Program ~

Peacemakers & Machinery ~ Poetry / Lyric ~ MobiusTripz

Why a peacemaker needed between nature and macinery,
matters generation not,
my great-grandfather is me,
cycles.

Ford,
Edison,
Firestone,
Burroughs,
It's all starting to set in.

Ford,
Vipraio,
Thornburg,
Nash,
repeating over and over again.

Cycles reapeating forever,
over and over and over,
these eons,
spirit, human, spirit, human, spirit, human
waxing nearly perpetual,
then at once,
Exalted Gnosticism.

I'm still in Faith for Peace,
Always Fighting.

A Living Hell / His Strong Hands of Faith Dichotomous Existencies ~ Poetry / Lyric ~ Mobius∆Tripz

Life Can Appear A Living Hell,
when blackness envelopes the self,
Light is shut out in permanence,
Reality illusion from something not real,
Real confusion,
I'm feeling unwell,
Soon for certain,
To hang now.

I'm listening to my favorite artist,
Nothing compares to you,
It's purest rendition,
My hearts so pained still now,
Perhaps not even nearly as bad,
As Christopher and Benjamin,
Love and caring incarnate,
Truth Seekers,
Carriers of Life & Light,
the Earth his kingdom,
hurt and let escape themselves their own souls,
brokenhearted !

Driven mad by the forever encompassing evil one cannot be blind to when a believer,
The hurt is a nightmare to be swimming aimilessly and hopelessly in the middle of,
constantly tossed and jostled in every facet torn to shreds.

Then through,
and not around,
an internal signaling beacon,
for Life !,
I kneel and pray,
I reach upward for strength,
to outstretch hands
and,
So Now In This Instant and Always
God within this soul,
my compass,
Driven.

God holds me in His Strong Hands of Faith,
forever and always now.

Be Ye with Him NOW,
EACH,
A Summation of,
Strength United,
One.