Hope, Sparks of Hope ~ A Short Story of Thoughts After Life

It seems bizarre to be 51 years old and to think about going back to work in a career. About maybe becoming a father one day. About getting married again possibly in due time to another to deserve a trust earned I never once felt I've earned fully myself or even 100% respected in my own very flawed past.

I'm really tired of hurting !!! It's been decades of fighting with moments of blessed sunshine bathed in regular spiritual pain. When I think I can't be crushed more, I am once again. I am getting drawn into that black hole which consumes us all in due time. Forged suffer through this journey.

Today that all of a sudden my mind starts thinking with hope.

There have been a few days like sparks going off up there in my mind. Like that twenty-year-old me so full of life and energy and love. Always invigorated, caring, loving and fun... Health has stolen so much away.

But again these Sparks are going off...

I'm getting oxygen my heart is beating properly and for once people don't doubt me. people don't believe how sick I've been and how sick I have said I have been and in reality I have been far in worse shape with my heart which was impossible to identify after years and years of searching with holter monitors and EKGs and suffering strokes and certainly other heart attacks which I'm positive none of my doctors would argue with now.

I am tired of crying cuz I'm tired of being alone and I am tired of the hatred that I observe all around me regularly and I'm so sick and tired of the news and how disgusting people have become. I am sick and tired of the city Cumberland Maryland where I live in and it's not the city that I am sick of because I love and adore it, it's just watching everybody die around me all too regularly.

I came back because I love life and I fought hard for that and because beautiful medical professionals that dedicated their lives to save other people's lives brought me back. They were my team that day of pure angels.

But these Sparks keep going off in my mind, these little Sparks of Hope. I have not felt like this for well over 20 years !!! I'm crying with happiness, like I reunited with long lost friends because today I have hope because my health is returning.

But I'm scared. I'm scared to fail even more. I am scared what others will think. I am scared and this way and I am scared and that way, and in fear I will remain paralyzed.

but these little Sparks are increasing and turning into confidence that I never thought I would know where see again.

I don't want to be the 20-something 50 year old man anymore, but I would like to be the mature leader that I know is within me and the contributor to society that I have never stopped being... But now able to give back the greatness I should be able to throughout the life, like my mother and my father before me.

With the help of medical professionals, coming back from Death by far the greatest fight I have ever had to fight and there's absolutely zero comparison ! But now I suppose the real fight starts.

It's time to spring forward eternal this March after a winter of healing and a plan formulated too soon to hatch.

I feel like I have nothing to be scared of because I died and I returned. I feel like I have everything to be scared of in failure ;( ...the greatest feeling would be making it all this way and then not trying any further.

Im just tired of being alone and lonely, even when I'm with my friends by loved ones and my family. it's easy to turn to hatred and I've developed quite a bit sore tongue to go along with my French persona (lol) and I have little time left for bulshit oh, but the real truth be known is that in ill-health we are ill of mind and we are not that which we would like to be and others don't come running to help you and it's a bitter and cold shity place where everybody judges you and that's the reality I will tell you because it's the reality I experienced it's I never deserved any of that.

Stupid (read closed-minded) medical professionals (definitely don't read that  as all) looking for answers like you show them a parked car on a street and they're going to see it that easily !!! turn back towards your emotions which you ignore and keep those bedside manners that sustain life and understand that a heart acts broken when it is broken.

Social Security where I've been denied three times all the way up to the absolute maximum administrative law judge.the United States of America, my beloved country, needs to be sued in a court of law so that this system can be corrected because people are dying before they are getting care and if there's anything good that comes from this please know that now !!! I died waiting ! And since then I'm further denied ! It is unbelievable and unfathomable !

...but none of that matters anymore and it certainly doesn't matter where I departed to before I returned.

I survived the heart attack. I survived death. I survived CPR and being defibrillated several times. I forgot I've falling down the steps and breaking my neck with a still dislocated C5 vertebrae. I now have a pacemaker and finally a diagnosis of takotsubo syndrome, in my life is slowly becoming restored.

All that happened and I went home from the hospital in 5 days !!!

That all took place August 12th when I died, 2018. Today it's January 27th 2019, not even six months. I really share more of this kind of as a chronicle, therapeutic diary, and so others might find Hope through faith and perseverance that life will always continue.

Never give up !!!

Bless you each still verily and wait for those sparks to return.

If you think of me, I promise I'm by your side always, your not alone, and I understand your pain.

Original West Virginia Toothpaste Joke ;)

You know how you can tell that toothpaste was made in West Virginia? If it was made anywhere else, it would have been called teethpaste.

Logos and Back ~ Poetry / Lyrics ~ MobiusTripz

I was Logos.
Thoughts alone in a vacuum of blackness,
the body permanently vacated,
I was now no more,
yet for the love I held within,
for the sweetest of angels I've ever known,
my only thought in my death I held in regard for her,
as she was everything I was and was living for,
I was returned alive once more.
I was once dead,
alive again,
life, through my love for her, restored,
I was returned alive once more.

Life After Life ~ Thoughts & Inspirations & Lessons ~ Faith

Healing in never instant, but rather a process to work and live through. Never doubt your inner strength and tenacity but first listen to your body and intuition. Know when and what to fight vs. conserve energy for when it needs to be tapped into for an emergency. I promise you, if not for Love and God in My Life Always, I'm not returned here in this life... that's what of FAITH. Faith... just the size of a mustard seed can move mountains !!! The power of thought in and through positive belief. Each of us that powerful ! You cannot take shortcuts and expect full measure outcomes consistently. Balance lies in maintenance of equilibrium. Life lies in the trust placed in another hands.

The Democratic Government Shut Down Paralyzes the Deep State Over 6.5 Billion $$$

Stifling to the Deep State this shut down ???

They get played every move !!!

All paralyzed and right where they are needed.

LMAO ROTF

That was tough !!!

https://www.wusa9.com/mobile/article/news/fbi-agents-in-danger-of-losing-health-benefits-if-shutdown-persists/65-30f10a88-c606-4ee5-a215-2211eac27c03?utm_campaign=trueAnthem:+Trending+Content&utm_content=5c4365ae3ed3f0000109f626&utm_medium=trueAnthem&utm_source=facebook?utm_campaign=trueAnthem:+Trending+Content&utm_content=5c4365ae3ed3f0000109f626&utm_medium=trueAnthem&utm_source=facebook

Death and Easing Away On Psychedelics

The truth is, death is far more traumatic to the survivors ! This is a survivor issue.

The issue for death should be let all individuals choose end of life personal alternatives for themselves, or plan your directives ahead for loved ones / professionals to follow.

I've watched death... and now even experienced it... and the only answer is whatever a patient is comfortable with.

What I remember is horrific, but in death... it's not permanent memory except for the survivor (again)... I'm at ease personally and know completely the temporaryness of what we think as reality. To move to the next realm, or dimension, there is no indelible impression left from this existence and pain is never known again.

To depart is easy, to survive, to live... one must be forged tough and fight with everything still at times !!!


https://www.ozy.com/rising-stars/going-out-on-a-high-the-doctor-advocating-lsd-for-the-dying/90911