Thankful for another beautiful day in this very strangely temporary surreal experience called life.
Of course after this prayer I think as I type as I sit in the recliner, my dogs come running in the house from the snow outside and jump right on my lap.
When I was in that dark place where there was only my voice thing absolutely nothing else, I thought about what I could go back for and it was for the love of my life and my dogs.
Perhaps that sounds shallow to some, but it is precisely what it is the truth, and my point is that next I asked in my thoughts of my conscience, how do I get back there? Instantly, back there I was.
That's when the fight began. At first I physically roiled but then I let go and let God in the expert medical team surrounding me. I knew somehow everything I did help me to survive and I was right where I hoped I would be in my prayers got answered. The last thing I remember was cheap graphic to describe, but the last thing seconds before that was being in mid-flight down my stairs after I knew my heart had already stopped and it felt like somebody had driven and nail straight through my chest and both arms right at the middle of the humerus.
The pain on the other end of that flight was worse as my head was stuck to the right and I slammed my head down on the back side, trying to hit my neck into the hardwood floor to reposition it, and screaming in between each time I lifted my torso and head up someone please f****** help me. I felt like I had broken my neck and then I just thought well nobody's going to hear me and I think I might have called for help and I probably already have a concussion and maybe I can fix my neck and knock myself out at least... And I wondered how was I alive? If my neck was broken like I knew it was how on Earth was my spinal cord not severed?
94 days ago that's how I was found seconds later. the doctor told me three times in a row in the hospital he was surprised I didn't break my neck. Just this most recent visit to his office for the defibrillator and pacemaker scan I asked how long I was out. I meant how long was I dead. He thought I meant how long was I unconscious and he said about a day. I didn't push the issue cuz that was enough for me to hear.you can only handle so much at a time and these strange memories that come back are incredibly... Well, just bizarre I don't know how else to explain the experience... It's not one miracle it's a serious and succession of incredible miraculous events that seem to repeat themselves.
it was not like I was with my guardian angel it was like I was with a huge team of guardian angels and they all were carrying me.
It might not mean a lot to other people but it sure meant a lot to me when my doctor said God bless you the other day when I left his office. I'm so happy that he gets it too.it's about extending life and sharing love in finding an offering hope to somebody that does not have it right now.
Why on this beautiful Earth, Eden, have we forgotten this?
The doctor told me at that most recent visit, you know we thought you broke your neck for shirting and you sure went through a lot. I said you're not kidding. Yes, actually I have some times where I'm left speechless... my life seems to like to give me those opportunities even though I could talk like nobody else you've ever seen.
I'm either the absolute nicest guy you'll ever meet or I'm rude and I'm a jerk. so far I don't really feel like that's something I ever get to choose though. WHY have we all become so overly judgmental of others, having not truly walked in their shoes?
I have been judged in every way it seems possible almost, and sometimes deservedly so, while at other times not at all. I could play the victim and I have truly been a victim, but this time in life was really not meant to spent being the victim, if one with the help of others can be lifted above. That's the place I seek, but I truly wonder how much fight is left in me. I certainly didn't come this far for nothing, at least if any of this is up to me whatsoever..and I'm not delusional and I really know that none of it is what so ever. At the same time, it all is.
Please find another to help today, because it is only through that act that this world becomes a better place, it seems that all else is just fruitless banter.
My neck still hurts like crazy but in 5 days I've had for Tylenol only for pain. When the heart starts working better and the lungs start recovering, your energy level increases daily and your pain threshold too. My spine is an absolute disintegrating mess and full of disease and major trauma, injury, and structural defect, however, I feel somehow reset and renewed and I'm thankful to feel anything at all. Pain reminds me I'm still here, let's get f****** motivated. it might take hours of thinking about getting motivated to get motivated, but eventually I still can. My dad always like the simple story about the little train that could, and I get the story and I understand his sentiments precisely. My mother had the warrior spirit that my father is, and I only try to honor the way they would have to live my life to the best of my ability as I fight for it. I've had a heck of a lot of great times but rarely do I ever have any longevity when it comes to great health. I'd say pretty much that's been never in my life.
Would it be cool to publish my entire medical file one day with full access for all? Would it help others? This is such a critical knowledge to amass and as we leave into quantum computing on the cloud and we translate data sets that have been validated with redundancy, we are going to crack some the greatest codes or riddles for problems, call them what you will, and what lies just ahead could be essentially the fountain of youth. I don't say that lightly, but I promise nothing.
I know as a terrible student of history, history repeats itself, and civilizations fall because of either what man does to mankind itself or what nature imposes upon mankind just because this is how equilibrium works in a dynamic world and nature is nature.
When are we going to rise above the fears of our own collective individualities and put more time and energy towards a great world of progress that we are certainly on a fast track towards already, and know for a fact we can spend less where it seems fruitless because it's only about loss of life in use ultimately.it hurts within my soul to know we must have brilliant strong defenses to defend one's people, but why can we not realize that instead we should all be that one people, and any other view means that we are not and therefore we are all wrong because we choose something that will only sustain and promised more of the same... I'll be at this far it may be the best modern civilization in recorded history at least has had to offer. Are we like a baby learning to walk, scared to take the next step?
I used to be scared everyday to take the next step, and I used to be scared of death. I feel something different within me now and I don't know what that means except that I'm markedly different. I don't mean a pacemaker and a defibrillator in my chest. I mean that my soul where there is worth invaluable principles and mores dot-dot-dot this place within my soul I feel that there is now a greater calm and a greater Faith than ever before, and still the incredible connection to the God of my understanding, that we each personally know within our own unique perfect way, and it's as loud and clear as ever.
In reality, this was me, otherwise I'm in a purely fictional universes, thus far.
I Am ProGram
I ∆m ProGr∆m
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