Who’s Gonna Find My Sex Toys When I Die
(Verse 1)
When I leave this mortal coil and kiss this world goodbye
There’ll be tears and casseroles and people dressed up nice
They’ll say, “He was complicated,” and “He lived a private life”
Then somebody opens up that drawer
And chaos fills the night
(Pre-Chorus)
Aunt Linda drops her reading glasses
Cousin Mike just stares
The preacher starts revising half
His scheduled funeral prayers
(Chorus)
Who’s gonna find my sex toys when I die?
Who’s gonna hold them up and ask the good Lord why?
Who’s gonna sort through all my secrets, shelf by shelf?
And whisper, “Well... he really did enjoy himself”
Who’s gonna find my sex toys when I die?
I hope they’ve all got labels and at least a brief reply
(Verse 2)
There’s the innocent decoy box with old receipts and cords
Then underneath, the velvet bag
No one can ignore
A battery charger, mystery straps
A thing I can’t explain
And one device so terrifying
It should come with its own chain
(Pre-Chorus)
My nephew says, “What even is this?”
No one wants to speak
My sister says, “Put that thing down”
My brother’s turning weak
(Chorus)
Who’s gonna find my sex toys when I die?
Who’s gonna catalog the weirdness I kept hidden from the light?
Who’s gonna need a therapist by half past three?
After finding out far too much about the private side of me
Who’s gonna find my sex toys when I die?
Lord, I should’ve made a will with less potential to horrify
(Bridge)
So if you love your family
And want to spare their soul
Don’t leave a dungeon starter kit
In a shoebox by the coats
Take a weekend, clean it up
Be kind before you go
‘Cause grief is hard enough
Without... accessories in tow
(Final Chorus)
Who’s gonna find my sex toys when I die?
Who’s gonna stand there frozen with a thousand-yard-eyed sigh?
Who’s gonna say, “We never knew this side of him”
Then quietly throw out half the evidence and never speak again
Who’s gonna find my sex toys when I die?
Probably the one relative I least would like to traumatize
(Outro)
So write your will, clear your shelf
Protect your name, preserve your health
And if you leave behind a vibe
At least don’t leave it set to “high”
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