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Saturday, June 23, 2012

The Big C ~ A poem I wrote at poetry .com

The Big C

That's what it's called, as my lymph nodes swell, 
Do I have it ? The Big C ? 
Is it a blessing in disguise ? The growth is large and hurts, 
Will I lose my worldly possessions ? 
Or my life ? 
These thoughts I have never ceasing 
Broken mind wields its neurotic synaptic impulses, 
Well, I pray and I believe, 
And god will guide me. 
I live as always... for today. 
But I am not ready to depart this life just yet, 
I cannot question my Father's plan. 
Faith carries me, 
On wings of glory I may stay or soar home... 
Off to heaven... slipping these surly bonds of life, 
Or I may be ok... pray for me, god hears us all.


This is a very old poem. 

I did have a axillary biopsy after over a year of intensive herbal therapy with goldenseal and echinacea which shrunk the larger then a golf ball sized tumor and the biopsy revealed a necrotizing granuloma, however it is still at issue today and has left me with permanent painful nerve damage down my entire right side from my shoulder to my fingertips.

I do not recommend my course of action, as it is a personal choice, but I felt confident with my research, and I did shrink it to a mass of dead tissue, which was non cancerous when finally tested.

I only make these notes so that this may be reflected upon, and also so that the mind may stay open when making decisions about our personal health and the decisions we take to heal.

Homeopathy, herbal therapy, etc. holds many promising attributes and after some deep research, and consideration of longevity after treatment, I felt this was just my own personal best choice, even against the strong advice of doctors and friends.

At a time I felt so very sickly and weak, my gut feeling was that I did have cancer, that I was much to weak to endure any radiation or chemo therapy, and that I wanted to diet and use these treatments I chose to gain strength so that my own immune system would react as it was and continue to rid this from my body.

Now 06-23-2012, I am having swelling again, lots of pain, and getting ready to start herbal therapy in the same manner as before, taking nothing more then Motrin once in a wile, as I try my best to take nothing more then Omeprazole as needed concerning pharmaceuticals today.

At 44, and my biopsy roughly 10 years ago, I am doing great overall, but still feel something in me that no doctors here have ever been able to pinpoint, nor have I ever been offered a referral to an oncologist, after so many many requests.

I have also found that a tincture or infusion of 1 tsp of Turmeric, 1 tsp of Ginger, boiled for 10 minutes, and the with honey and lemon added to taste does better for me for pain, also excellent against my sever arthritis, then any medication, and the taste and warmth is equally earthy, natural, and soothing.

This concoction is something I have only started more recently, May 2012, as i am delving deeper into herbal remedies and cures, with success to a great degree.

The natural properties of these two related roots are quite powerful.

It is of paramount importance to share any herbal consumption with your medical professionals, as it can very often interfere with pharmaceuticals, be it absorption, a multiplication factor, or a cross reaction.

Again, my instinct and research show me that these herbs are not toxic when properly used, feel better then taking synthetics/pharmaceuticals, and are just overall  a healthier way for me personally as long as I have the choice.

Natural cures are an important and oft overlooked therapy, in my opinion, and again that is simply my own personal opinion through experience and research.

Pharmaceuticals exaserbated my gout into often acute attacks that left me unable to walk, most notably hydrocodone and Tramadol, which I will not take unless my broken disintegrating spine rears its always ugly pains.

Along with plenty of water and herbal cures and no or next to no pharma, I have struck at least a tolerable balance for the mean time.

Diet is so tantamount to healing that I feel I must state that as well, it is rather obvious when inspected properly, but not always such a simple choice with the garbage that is in our food chain today, so easy to purchase and consume with so many ill effects to the wrong body.

To eaches own, and to each we are different and respond different.

I have learned more then ever to "LISTEN" to my body and change my course of action for treatment and healing as i continue to research so many medical issues and aspects.

I walk and hike as often as I am able within reason. I eat a better diet then ever and quite enjoy cooking and preparation of these meals, and I see a short and long term benefit that is rewarding.

I try to focus in my mind's eye on healing and positivity, and keep away the constant pain that is always present in my spine, most often quite severe.

It is devastating at times, leaves me immobile often (thankfully less recently), and is also a blessing too in an odd way as I appreciate the gift of being able to walk.

Using a walker once and cane for a few years, and falling often from numbness and losing equilibrium when my feet have been numb has been damaging, as for example, I broke my ribs one time recently, an I am only now today finally feeling like my full breath is close to being restored.

The numbness in my feet comes and goes, and thankfully has been less often more recently.

I have had a few episodes of "the lights just turning off" and completely falling over out of the blue with no or only a few seconds warning.

I believe that is because of the massive spinal cord compression I have in the cervical region, which is so sever, my neurologist and neurosurgeon are in shock that I even walk at all, and most of the time I grin and bare the pain and walk quite well, and that may just be when my stubbornness so innate has become an attribute for determination.

I may not be pleasant at times, as anger creeps in with pain as well as episodes of depression and self loathing, and I am only able to do limited things compared to my once extremely busy and active lifestyle.

I am often extremely excitable when I feel great on a rare occasion, and that too pushes people further away.

Balance in life, balance in walking, and balance in spirits and mind are difficult, but learning coping mechanisms and listening to friends who care, even when I get mad and take comments too personal, are assets that can bring further progress when perceived and analyzed more properly and used as a catalyst to personal growth and aging more gracefully, accepting my own personal shortcomings, whatever it is they may be at a given moment.

The excitement is just an expression of my desire to feel perfect all the time and the over exuberance is not me trying to push people away.

It is something I am working hard on so that I may become more even keeled in emotion and personality, mentality, etc, but a great day being rare, well it is just hard to cool the jets sometimes when you have been use to high speed for so long, which seemed to come to an abrupt stop so quick.

Change can be difficult, but I prefer to accept it and move forward, and be less a nuisance to me and others.

At times I am a loner, not because it is my nature, but because I need to collect my thoughts, I need to rest, i need to heal, and often my friends do not understand that, and I hope they never shall learn what it truly means to know the way I have felt in such severe pain.

I have also found ways to maximize my downtime, often writing, playing guitar, composing and recording music, and changing my life doing my best to reinvent myself as the years are passing seemingly more quickly with the end more apparent in many ways.

That is not too be taken in a negative meaning, just a fact that with each day that passes, less will come for my future, as we all experience.

Time becomes a different proponent and component in life when I realize these multi-faceted introspective perceptions, and that helps me evolve, accept and further heal.

If I disappear for a while, it is because I need too, and is not a personal attack towards anyone, it is simply time I need for healing.

I will never get cervical fusion if I am not strong enough.

Walking, hiking, diet, and healing, doing push-ups, sit ups, yoga, meditation, and research are all things I have to center myself around to maintain any quality of life.

At times, that leave little or no room for anyone else.

Just a simple mere fact, not a complaint.

Life is great, no matter the outlook long and short term, for when so many doors have closed, many more, and better ones, have always opened when well sought.